The bottom line of this perhaps rather long narrative, is not, as I initially started out as a perhaps green, green badge cab driver, who did not move to the valley of Diesel “Ilford” with the obligatory new cab, wife, mortgage and two kids.

No one more surprised than I at the realisation of what has materialised, a first hand description humiliation and deprivation of the British working class from the 1930's.

This erosion brought about entirely by deliberate policy of successive governments.. and the ten draconian years of Tony Blair who deliberately, for whatever reason, encouraged the influx of irrepresible waves of the World's disenchanted onto these shores, by doing so, creating a powerful, intimidating, devisive weapon against the indigenous labouring masses and a hard core of … crime, poverty and unemployment… the triple iron fist of all governments,plus Enron, 9/11, Afghan conflict over oil, Kosovo all emphatically used by Blair; any outcry was by "politically incorrect racists" as Dr David Kelly was to find to the cost of his life.

The differential between rich and poor, is greater now, than during the Middle Ages.

One a.m. Thursday Seventh. December. 95. - Love is blind

Snow thawing on Clapton Common.. still the cars rushing incessantly along between the trees. A difficult, long day on the streets.. the clamour for Xmas gathering momentum.

Have been thinking, as always, Cynthia's remark to me in her letter regarding Aurora.. that she was a "Energy Vampire" evidently, also, something of a masochist as she lets her elderly, ridiculous husband, beat her.. keeps her almost a prisoner.. Him so Ugly and she a thirty eight year old attractive female.. A geography teacher.. Cynthia is right about her.. then I am beginning to realise she, like Bernie, is never far wrong when it comes to weighing people up. Have given a Aurora a few pulls...she always giving out the impression ..that impression. When it actually came to it, as it did on the night or my wedding "reception" she bottled out. Half way through in the darkened room, suddenly pulling back, asked if she could light a cigarette ..asked also why I wanted to Fuck her. Remarked on this to Cynthia...a strange question ..one to which there is no possible answer, if there were, the World would doubtlessly be a different place.

All very pleasant, polite ..she straightened her clothes, finished her cigarette, we had another drink and went into the other part of the flat which was complete madness.. No one remarked on our absence.. Cynthia dragging me straight into the middle of the room dancing ..so much for Cynthia...so much for Aurora............

Simply, this is all getting round to Anna.. I have had thoughts.. She precisely the same.. Quite willing to let me go so far.. in doing so absorbing my energy.. always felt depleted, exhausted when she left this room.. Cynthia crystallized this aspect of women for me, also coming up with the idea of our "Adopting Anna" not in the sense usually associated ..more that Anna would live with us and produce a child....Visions of Anna, what a cow she could be if crossed.. if she did not get all her own way.. never giving anything ..always absorbing, always taking.. another Susan, another Jennifer, Nit, Pa, another so many female faces. Cynthia giving everything ..which is why I married her, have no intention of prolonging her 'agony?' over bloody Anna, all she ever gave, a Teddy Bear last Xmas, which still sits beside my bed.. She demanded and took plenty. No intention of letting Anna attempting to run our lives ... a unwanted wedge between myself and my…. wife. As said very early on, there is little difference between her perception and any Thai lady necessarily on the make. Nevertheless.. my feelings about her well known to anyone who has persevered with this long, perhaps complex, narrative.

Will make the most terrible remark.. which I hope to be forgiven ...'Love is blind'

Marrying Cynthia opened my eyes, to many things. Possibly a strange comment from someone who always considered he had seen it all, done it all, having the 'T' shirt to prove it.

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