Never said anything because there was nothing to say, could be said. At the back of my mind the idea Andreea had a better offer from her parents, i.e. no doubt on the lines if “she gave me up, totally, completely”, they would buy her her own flat which I thought would be quite a good exchange. Have been used throughout my life in different ways by different females, thought that in this particular case she had done rather well out of me, if she has manipulated the situation, through me she could intimidate her parents into buying her an apartment, she had done extremely well. All this, in my head on our way down to the lake. I had not spoken one word since she put the telephone down, a deep impenetrable silence between us. Knew this silence, known this silence before, before Andreea was born, almost before her mother was born.
So what was there!.. there was nothing, Andreea being so astute, so clever, so devious, so illusive, so aware of the situation, so in control of the situation, so she believed.
Walked along the lakeside, a glorious, Sunny afternoon, only a few hundred yards, pointless walking anywhere. Went to walk up the path to the road, looked back, she, standing, watching me, her body silhouetted against the water, eyes filled with tears.
“Andreea”, as my mother would say “it is no use prolonging the agony” ..
The last words I spoke to Andreea.
Strolled slowly, indecisively, to the gate, a taxi came along immediately, much to my surprise. Threw the door open, did not have to push her in, automatically giving the money of course, slammed the door, as with Jennifer, as with a few other female faces, did not look back, simply walked away.
*********************************
Other, younger men, would have treated this situation perhaps shouting quite loudly, with the realisation, it may have come to blows, violence. AndreeA and I had been on the very edge… but I had been through all this before, never losing control, simply remaining tight lipped
Cynthia said nothing at my return, asleep in fact. I, completely numb in the brain box, having almost slipped down into the hole, managing to hold on to the edge.
Hardly knew what to do, knew I could not stay in, simply sit, do nothing, knew I had to go out. Woke her up, had some tea, immediately, for some reason decided to go back to the Pizza Hut were it all started, where, to put down a cliché, to lapse into romanticism, “where it all started an Eternity ago”, although it was just 24 hours previously that we had met.
So what did I want?
Came off the bus, manipulated we walked past the Hut, round the Pizza Hut, walked to the top of the metro, sat on the wall.
Peter being Peter, being highly imaginative, thinking that Andreea could conceivably come out of the metro or meet somebody else at the Pizza Hut, such is the way my mind works, it works against me all the time. Someone, years ago, once remarked I was my own worst enemy. always fantasizing, always looking, always seeking, have done it forever, looked, waited, watched, for what ? Sitting on the wall, above the metro, Cynthia non committal, Cynthia ignoring the whole situation, apparently….. which as I wrote two years ago, the woman almost a paragon. No other woman in my life has ever stood by me.. taking every step of the way.
Not until we were in bed, brain still churning over and over, trying to avoid my previous conclusion. Andreea, of course would deny any aspect of my main thought.
Have no objection to her deviousness, to her demands, arrogance, what I do seriously object to is
being treated as a fool,
advantage taken of my generosity,
my kindness interpreted as stupidity,
my love taken for granted.
Niciun comentariu:
Trimiteți un comentariu