Hardly feel confident about anything at the moment.. felt confident this morning, then , as usual, with the daytime passing, time passing, my confidence slowly evaporated, more so when it occurred to me that Cynthia was playing Royal Academy of Dramatic Art. with me ..crying …once I start thinking along those lines, then it is goodnight nurse.
The question is whether to start the book.. how to start it, where to start it.. the whole thing a black wall in front of me.. not good.. At this moment unable to see anywhere too start, personally feel have changed so very much over these last months, especially this morning ..woke up ..thought.. thought I would make things happen, nothing much has recently…. Now tired, not feel like anything whatsoever.. No longer have that drive, that motivation as I had with AndreeA.. with “AndreeA’s Passion” She, no force at all within me now, hardly feel there is a woman on this Planet who can inveigle me to get up off my arse and do something ..anything….which is a different scenario from two years ago.. I breathed, lived existed only for AndreeA. Whatever she wanted ..I would get it, or do it. If she wanted me to put shelves up ..demanded I put up shelves, in her arrogant way, she, adorning, complimenting, my small beautiful apartment in London… then I would put shelves up.. She would watch, silent, staring pointedly, sitting on the floor knees up, arms round, long skirt pulled down, she would watch, head slightly to one side,.. while I worked, a gentle smile of sublime satisfaction crossing her face each time I used the drill.. ……….AndreeA.
Maybe this is it, maybe these are the words which will finally finish up in print ..maybe. As previously, will be writing backwards, nothing normal.. no beginning middle and end.. as Cyntia remarked about “Normality’ in her acid manner.. “ What is Normal ? ” then she always answers a question with a question ..or if the situation is tight, refuses to answer at all. No it is impossible, my thoughts not coherent.. even erratic.. then I have always been that… the common consensus. one minute up, the next down.. so be it.. quite capable of jumping from one situation to another ..no problem at all, able to do this as my brain never really forgets anything, certainly it sometimes needs time, eventually it clicks . Fortunately I write only for myself.. hardly need a audience, so remain free from any considerations, other than my own feelings.
May as well make the attempt.. not a bad afternoon, sitting here in Bucuresti, Cynthia gone to work.. thankfully.. Blinds down, doors shut, fan going. Faintly, madmen motorcars racing up and down the street below…echoes of Clapton Common… hardly appears to be anything to stop me from starting.., just my own disinclination .. have become very lazy during this Bucuresti period.
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