No Way Back with Susan

As I may or may not have said ..It had become apparent between Susan and myself there was a void.. deeper almost each day.. we falling apart as so many other "couples" for so many different reasons.

Realized this when I did find time to lift my head from work, look about to what was happening in my life. Apparent, I no more than intrusion to her coffee mornings .. her friends .. her life… Did manage to find time to nut all this out, many men do not ..prefer not to.. or the realization coming much too late.

Usually spent couple of week nights in Bishops Stortford, invariable arrived every Friday night.. settled down. Took them both out Saturday to the market or whatever , did the gardening Sunday.. all the usual things every one does.. It was… it was.. boring. Tell me someone who is not bored …! Finding those willing to admit it is something else. The attitude adopted by so many people is that the child is the consideration and the compensation.. all else swept aside.. maybe..

Monday morning up before the child went to school I had never been allowed to enter the school for any of the usual parent functions, whatever.. ..Susan put the block on this for her own calculated reasons, never really remonstrated.. did not know why then…see quite clearly her ball game now. Allowed to drop them both off if I had the cab, otherwise, it was on the bike, start it up, let the boy sit on it, which he was permitted , no more, his mother… then the perfunctory wave, throttle open and roar away down the M. 11… as if there were no tomorrow. A deep sigh of relief.. enough to mist the visor up…

Xmas. . fast approaching.. always a time of mild panic on my part ..always hated it ever since Australia roast turkey on the beach 32 degrees in the shade… wondering how I would survive this one… 1990.a.d.

Bernie had mentioned going with the gang to Thailand for Xmas.. said it would "Do me good". whatever .. he was very discerning ….. I not too sure about Susan and Jack..

Last new year had taken them to a very smart turnout over a three day period.. A great deal of money for three nights, however, cost was of no consideration to Susan, no attempt to join in any "festivities" .

Everyone getting ready for the New year eve bash .. she sitting there like damp rag.. The Kid started playing up ,, running about banging doors generally getting in everyone's way. I gave him a whack which was his cue to run to Mummy.. Mummy to go bananas at Peter .. it was "On" regardless of everyone .a complete tantrum, as if no one else existed.. then that was Susan

There were a few people I knew, they watched this small drama with some interest, asking what was wrong with the pair of them?? I shrugged.. I had simply tried to check the child.. Not according to Susan, the little sod could do no wrong. Often wondered why It took me so long to realize I had served my purpose the moment she had conceived!! Then men are rather stupid .. most of the time…

The child fully aware of how to wynd the situation up, knew precisely the situation between his mother and myself …balanced on a knife edge.. If , according to him, I stepped out of line, he ran straight to her….therefore the child was without control…unlike in my day, it would be at least a clout behind the ear, or a good belting for stepping so close.

The same situation applies to so many "homes'

No.. not very sure about the fast approaching Xmas.. not at all sure how to play it.. but 'Fate " if you like, stepped in and decided for me.

Mobile phones then, were not a must in society, few people had them, mostly for business, they had not caught on as a means for mindless inanities… they were not prolific, not reaching into the pockets of beggars in the street.

Bernie never, ever, rings anyone other than for a important event.. may ring SOS to lay on a party.. , I had given him the nod I would go to Thailand.. only that .. a nod, no more . no conversation on the matter . ………….Suppose a nod is so good as a wink…

Probably a Monday morning, just getting ready to go to town, a bit of breakfast .. not too much asked of Susan.. she could go to a piece of toast ………that's your lot.. Sitting in the living room, she next to me, none committal. .silent .. no doubt waiting for me to fuck off ..

Then the phone rang..

As said, Bernie had a very loud voice, like a fog horn ….Typical “East end Dockers". He also stammered very badly….a very rich mixture. Opened the phone and his voice came booming out.

"Is that you P.P.P.. Peter!!??

I . so surprised …what did he want??..

" Well.. He said I G.G…..Got the T.T ..Tickets.

The only word I could think of was "Fuck!!"

Susan looked …

Shut the phone off quick, hoping.. a vain hope

Momentarily thought of trying to bluff myself out of it .. but she twigged immediately,.,, What else does she have to think about, other than what move Peter will make and can she twist it ,turn it, to her advantage!

This was her Cue and she stepped straight in. Taking a long draw of the black roll up she always had dangling between her thin lips.

"He Has bought tickets for Thailand has'ent he!! "

She started, low key……..

What could I say ?? couldn't say very much..

Said "Yes " very quietly

"So your going to Thailand for Xmas.."

" Yes."

" .'What about me .!!??". as if she cared

"What about last year?? You cost me a cock eyed fortune.. for what ??

Fate had really stepped in.. as fate can..

Tried to be fair ( ..always try….. usually get a kick in the bollocks for doing so …….. this occasion should be no different ) said..

"Will give you whatever money you want, go where you want.. what happened last year will not let it happen this. The situation being I am not able to do anything with the child without your permission. Not allowed to say anything at all to him. He knows this and uses it as a weapon, where does it put me ?? I am not your ex husband… a yes man.. until even he could take no more . "

She never answered .. was there one?? ..Fully aware what she was doing.

May have embezzled the state for many years on the dubious substance of her mental condition, but hardly fooled Peter. Most people try to.. Maybe I look stupid… in her case she had used me up.. for eight years

Her simply "dropping out " when the going became tough ..a escape used by many people.

All suddenly rather Immaterial.. Hardly remember how time went until take off.


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Yes, I did go back to Pattaya back to Thailand, knowing there really was no way back with Susan.. none…