I was running.. without time to think exactly where.

Susan was not, never had been, stupid. Only when she wanted to be, only when it suited, which had been often throughout her life. She used stupidity, her none compliance, as a weapon. Susan aware of my restlessness, about getting back to the flat, to leave her with the mother, aware that I could not handle any situation which did not leave me time for myself, time to be alone, to gratefully creep up the thirty nine steps, to silently close the street door.

She too could hold a secret, never letting on about her resentment of my attitude, that she had failed to tie me completely.. even mentioned I may get a job down there. Hardly saw anything at all wrong with her situation, spent time up here with me ..and at her mothers.. we still made a few trips to Radwinter.. had served its purpose.. remote to say the least. My belief being that she had a very soft option, a good life.. .then, she had always ensured that her life was just that, via her Father, her Husband and Myself. Only initially had she ever worked, soon tumbling to the idea of life infinitely more refined without it, the daily struggle


Unable to recall the exact sequence of events, hardly relevant.

Suddenly Radwinter had been sold.. faint twinge of regret on my part. A most remarkable home, far flung from Hackney.. another dream folded.. impractical as the rest of my ideas.

Susan's Husband, evidently self effacing, unobtrusive, had quietly sold up, given her the share and all the bits and pieces. End of story so far as he was concerned, anxious to get on with his new attempt at matrimony. Such a decisive move was to get him fully off the hook and place myself firmly on it.. My languid life of doing rather little, thinking a lot, drifting about, none of the pressures most people associate with existence, it all vanished.

Became involved in the necessities of life.. Susan's life. Her pregnancy would not go away, not wait until Peter bothered to get out of bed any hour of the night or day. Susan needed a "home", all its accouterments, visits to Estate agents, endless list of things to do, to be done.... I had done it again!

Bridge Court, Lea Bridge road. Scene of Bernie's' Parties. Albert firmly ensconced there for years.. he mentioned there were flats going for £23.000. Must have been half a dozen.. Worked it out that they were seriously undervalued, all that had to be done place tidied up, front cleared and tarmaced for parking. My assumption correct, one thing, forgot to buy one for myself, should have bought all six, the tremendous rate of appreciation which took place. Susan's.. ground floor.. completely renovated .. central heating.. quiet..


Found myself in the same position as all the people I spent my time observing.. same position as Tony with the beard, only Sue never counted my money.. Doing two days work in one, plus the mileage on the M.11. Had been so easy.....to implicate myself.

Just occurred to me that there had never been any mention of marriage. Susan, true to form, must have worked it out while I was running.. without time to think exactly where.

Peter, in Susan's eyes, Vie's eyes, Brenda's eyes, a useful tool. In the first instance... not being 'Socially Acceptable', shades of Dear Virginia and Desaumarez Street.

What my wife had been attracted to in me.. remaining a mystery. At sixteen years old she was possibly, simply playing the rebel.. made her point ... repercussions still echoing faintly on until this day. As may have said, fifteen grandsons and one grand daughter.. never seen any of them, which, evidently to some people, the very few whom I have mentioned this to, find strange.