Sheila's Farm

Virginia said rather less than usual on the way back to Desaumarez Street. I drove with a mixture of relief and torment inside me, not really in any mood to humour Virginia and her self-righteousness.
The kids fought each other in the back of the car. By the time we reached Kensington Park, the atmosphere could quite easily be cut with a knife.
"Are we going to the South East?" ... She said this tight, as if expecting me to shout at her, or lash out and smack her. Shouting my only outlet, had started to have strange nervous attacks. Me, the stoker, the ketch hand, light weight champion of the Home fleet ... nerves. refused to believe it. Dare not ask myself what or who had done this. It had become very difficult to keep control of myself, had meet other people who, after landing in Aussie had the weirdest trouble with their bodies and brains and had been forced to return home.

Refused to accept what was staring me in the face. How was it possible for the Sun to get me down, me, the Sun worshiper, refused to admit that it had started to burn a hole in my head, in the early mornings, to go out in the garden, climb the Gum tree, scattering the parrots, simply to see the slightest sign of a cloud in the azure sky.
Australia slowly, imperceptibly, driving me mad.
We rolled into the drive, wheels crunching on the gravel, children suddenly silent, they too waited for my answer to the holiday that they had been vaguely promised, with respite perhaps from the unceasing friction that ran, like electricity, up and down the full length of the one hundred and seventy two foot long house.
Virginia's mother in her garden next door. She too become wary of me. Never now coming into the shed where I painted, only standing in the doorway, looking at my obsession with diagonals, no doubt wondering what she had let into her back garden, into her life..
There had to be some way out, some respite from the business of banging my head, or, slipping out during the night, not really sure that Gin was asleep, not really caring. Pushing the car back up the drive, rolling down the hill in silence, driving round to Beth. Chin in his last year at medical school, at the hospital.

Beth always instantly awake to my tap on her window. Possibly never asleep, just waiting in the silence. Only the wind gently coming down from the hills, rustling through the pine trees overhanging her house.

Her onslaught on me, simply as if having been away at sea for months on end, dragging me to the bed, not giving time to get my shorts off, crouching on her knees pulling me towards her from behind. Where was the prim Mrs. Lee now? Her strength and tenacity leaving me limp in every respect.
Driving back, the canopy of stars mingling with the morning. Still feeling her arms gripping my body, still hearing that intense whispering in my ears.
The children fretful, sweating, twitching. Mosquitoes still droning as I walked through their bedrooms. Virginia, always remaining quite still on my almost silent return from these excursions.
"Okay. Go and get packed.".
Virginia decided we should eat before leaving, hardly cared about eating or anything else, simply wanted to escape.
Threw the tents, sleeping bags in the car. Deciding enough light to get us well down the road and make camp before dark, looked at the telephone on the floor at the far end of the glass walled room. Gin watched me between shoving food in front of the kids and getting all the junk together. Could ring Beth, using one of our stupid codes, making out she was someone else... hardly believed that it fooled anyone. She would say 'Hello Joan', a friend Chin had met once or twice, my cue, to call her 'Bill' of all things ... the very best I could muster.
Difficult to understand myself. Wanting to get away, yet wanting a vague, undefined, something else. Sex permeating my every pore, driven remorselessly by it, a hot frantic scramble. Going away would immediately cut me off from Beth, would have to try and focus my brain on Virginia and the children.
If I were able to force myself into the wilderness, there would be no women too watch, their breasts, their legs, no longer tormenting me, their incessant waves of sensuality, no longer able to reach into me. Perhaps still naive enough to think I could get the same drive, the same surge of excitement out of climbing mountains, shooting kangaroos, or anything else unrelated to females…still naïve enough to believe I could exist without women.
Stopped the car, boiling slightly. Completely entitled to do so, the heat being almost unbearable. Looked at the map, decided we must be quite near to our destination after our long haul. The last building we had seen, thirty miles back. On the horizon, two large sheds, also a small cloud of dust gradually growing larger. decided it must be a land rover, nothing else could traverse at speed without tearing the suspension off. Realised the vehicle was not on the road, if it could be called that.. rocketing in a straight line directly towards us. Looked round for the rifle, getting it out of the back , holding it cocked, casually in my hand, and awaited events.

The land rover finally stopped within feet of us, enveloping everything in thick dust. Two men, Doug and Dan, as they introduced themselves, identical twins. Tall, weathered, their skins shriveled like dried prunes over their almost burnt black faces. "Ow are ya sport" Doug and Dan said together ... to all and Sundry. I eyed the land rover. It had two 303's wedged in the back ... a large telescope on the seat, a 'Roo bar' right across the front which must have weighed a couple of hundred weight. The vehicle, thickly coated with mud and dust inside and out, it looked more like a battle wagon than anything else.
Evidently they had been looking for us, news travels fast in the outback, fast and mysteriously.
"Come to give us an 'and ... Ave ya'?"
Hardly saw myself as being in their league, not any more. having become soft with the shagging and the good life. My hands white, nails manicured. Theirs looking more like vultures claws, doubted if they had seen a woman, as such, in a very long time. impossible to dislike them. They had a strange, trusting attitude, rather like children. If I had told them black is white, it appeared feasible they would have accepted it.

They insisted that we drive off first, not to be blinded by the following dust.
Arrived at the main house, evidently being an occasion, new faces were far between. We were shown our bungalow, sheets of asbestos nailed to four by two's, a gas fridge, electricity, of sorts, having a dodgy twelve volt generator. Water, the wind pump being a couple of hundred yards away. The house, about three feet off the ground, on stilts. This becoming an immediate problem. Being the only shade for miles around, a variety of snakes had taken up residence underneath, not realising the danger until seeing a tiger snake, the kids would not hesitate to aggravate it and possibly get themselves killed.
Tried putting the dogs in, but they were not quite silly. For a while nothing more was seen of the snakes. Coming back one night from my sixteen hours of sheep dipping, found Virginia running around, raving, waving a gun. One of the kids had been poking a snake with a stick. It finished up that I had to wire net all three houses underneath. Never any let up in the work, a total work force of 3, including myself, Virginia's friend, Sheila, who handled the paper work and the main house. Sheila's mother, who's sole interest was the cows and their milk output...quite neurotic about this. Walking miles twice a day to round them up, never allowing a horse near. The heavy work, dipping, fencing, Doug and Dan came over for. I had little idea how far the property extended. We had once ridden all day gathering up the sheep, never saw a boundary fence. Had become very adept on the back of a horse. Even Sheila remarking 'how well I sat', which, coming from her, praise indeed. Slowly the relationship between myself and my family, settled into something approaching normal. Beth faded from my mind, so exhausted at night, little energy to think of her or indulge in my neurosis. Started to become fit, hands had grown hard from grabbing hold of sheep, barbed wire, bails of wheat.

Realised that the years of Townsend House and its suffocating environment would have to cease. What else? Had no idea. All that put to the back of my mind, Virginia deciding she was pregnant again, swore quietly to myself ...

The unending line of nappies, the hurried feeding, so that she could rush off to the University. But for once, kept my mouth shut, did not want to create any upheaval, a relative veneer of calm on the surface. Almost polite to each other, Virginia and I

One of the boys had a birthday party, everyone dutifully gathered at tea time. Doug, Dan, some friends who had 'dropped in'. A matter of a couple of hundred miles round trip.

The kids were all happy, perhaps for once in their lives, a relative calm. A stiff wind from the East bringing dust, not rain. Mrs. Brownlow had forgiven me for bringing in the dairy herd on horseback. Even perhaps admiring the way I had done it, not one hair on the back of any cow ruffled. The yield had been slightly up.

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