Mozart and Salieri

Quite by circumstance almost run Anna over in Seven Sisters Road as I was going to work one evening. Still in that same long dress, still with the plastic red heart round her neck on a piece of black cord.. however, she was sporting a expensive camera! had taken very seriously my comments on her in this book. Never spoke when I stopped, climbed in the back, drove silently here. Did not mess about, took her straight in the bedroom with the plant's tendrils curling and turning about the green bed. She baulked, stopped dead, still had not spoken. She abruptly went into the bathroom, that decisive moment gone. Gently asked about the Camera, which she had not put down, still holding it between her hands as if I would take it from her, knowing the money spent on she owed me, a great deal more beside. Asked tentatively about this.. no comment. Twisting to the attack, demanding why I had mentioned Sylvia ?.. Said I would be quite happy to retract if it were not true. Had she forgotten how terribly in 'love' she was with Sylvia! How she had told me various aspect of the affair with some satisfaction.

Silence.

Looked at her, feeling so very sad. Obvious she had become unbalanced in many respects, appeared unwell. Unfortunately I do feel that much of what has happened to place her so is to do with me, not be the first woman I have sent up the wall, possibly not the last. Told Cynthia this, she cut back about being quite mad already.

Both walked down the stairs in silence, as if she were someone picked up on the 'Cross', exactly the same stiff atmosphere between us. The only difference being she had not made any money and I not the slightest satisfaction. Asked curtly where she would like to be dropped, wanted me to take her home to Woodside Park... hardly doing that. Stopped at Manor House. Let the stupid, sullen bitch take the Tube. She climbed out slamming the door behind her, never looked back, never said "Good-bye", "Thank you", "Bollocks" or "kiss my Arse"! Still, had not put my hand in my pocket, just another hour wasted fucking about with her.
Drove away, same faint relief as if she were a brass.. maybe she finally has become just that, the simple solution to so many problems.. she does possess all the attributes, this idea occurred to me a long time previously.

Little more to say about Anna, again the complete ellipse, again the same sad ending, the same sad misunderstandings, the divergences, the creation of insurmountable obstacles .


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It is just Dawn, Sun climbing up behind the trees, geese grazing on the Common, cars starting in a steady stream, going where ever.

Heavy thoughts about AnnA.. how we would sit here in this room, so intent, so immersed in each other. My mouth going completely dry, always had to have a bottle of water by me when she was about, for her part, the perspiration making her hands wet, continually having to wipe them.

Now a mutual disenchantment, a gentle way of putting it, a woman who almost had me on my knees.. my feelings in those early, seemingly, far off days. Find myself praying for her... for what has been.

Saw the film about Mozart's life.. How away from the piano he was a joke.. No joke once he placed his fingers on the keyboard. The King's Music Master to go insane over his inability to understand why Mozart was so gifted and he,
was
not .



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